Breakups are rough. You know it, I know it, we all know it. But sometimes, it’s not the relationship ending that’s the hardest part. Sometimes, it’s the weeks (or even months) afterward when you realize – I miss my ex.
You try to move on, try to forget, but the thought pops up in the quiet moments, or when you hear a song, or pass a certain restaurant. It’s natural, it’s human, and trust me, you’re not alone.
Why We Miss Our Exes (Even When We Know We Shouldn’t)
Let’s get one thing straight: there are good reasons relationships end. Maybe things turned toxic, maybe you just weren’t a good fit, or perhaps life pulled you in different directions. But understanding those reasons doesn’t always switch off the feeling of missing someone.
You have your ‘I miss my ex so much’ state because you’re lonely1 and missing connection, companionship, and sex, especially the meaningful kind. You miss having someone to share meals with or vent to after a long time. You may even miss someone who ‘got’ your weird sense of humor. (1)
Our brains are wired to seek these connections. During a relationship, we release feel-good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin (those love chemicals everyone talks about.). And guess what? The more infatuated we were, the harder that crash landing is after a breakup reckovery.
It’s More Than Just Missing Them – You’re Missing Parts of Yourself
This might sound a little out there, but stay with me. In long-term relationships, especially, one partner figuratively fuses with a part of the other partner’s identity and vice versa, forming what’s called a shared identity. And no surprise when you say to yourself “I miss my ex so much” and ask questions like “Does he miss me?”
Remember how your tastes in music maybe shifted a bit, or you got into hiking because your ex loved it?
Relationships weave into the fabric of who we are. This merging of identities is also partly why breakups hurt so darn much. It’s a literal ‘loss’ of self in a way2. You’re not just saying goodbye to a person but to parts of yourself you associate with them.
From Heartbreak to Healing: Strategies to Help When You Miss Your Ex
I’m not going to sugar-coat it – getting over ‘I miss my ex’ state takes time, and it isn’t always linear. Some days will be good; some days, not so much. But you can make those tough days fewer and far between by using a multi-pronged approach.
Grieve The Loss (No, Really, Let Yourself Feel It)
Think of it like this – your relationship just ended, whether you initiated it or not. Would you tell a friend who just lost a job or experienced a death in the family to ‘just get over it?’
Probably not. You’d give them space to grieve, to be sad, angry, confused – whatever they needed to feel.
Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”
Steve Maraboli
A painful breakup is a loss. It’s the loss of companionship, routine, intimacy, and a future you may have envisioned. Bottling up those emotions only delays the inevitable. It is important to allow yourself to experience the grieving process and “I miss my ex phase”.
| Give yourself permission to… | Examples: | Remember… |
|---|---|---|
| Feel your emotions, without judgment. | Cry, journal, punch a pillow (safely), listen to sad songs. | This too shall pass. |
| Talk about it with someone you trust. This could be a close friend. | Call a friend, family member, therapist. | Find your support squad. |
| Limit contact with your ex, especially early on. | This includes social media stalking. | Out of sight, out of mind. |
It’s Time For Some Self-Love
When you’re hurting, the last thing you may want to do is get out of bed. This is where self-care becomes crucial, not as a luxury but as a necessity. It helps with the past trauma with time.
“You can try that class you’ve always wanted to take, travel somewhere on your bucket list, or get a makeover,” says Michelle Beaupre, PhD, a licensed clinical social worker and the clinical director at Villa Oasis3.
Rebuild Your Support System
Humans are social creatures – we thrive on connection. If you’ve been with your ex for a while, it’s easy to let your friendships slide, not intentionally, but it happens. This is your sign to reconnect, reach out, and make plans.
Apart from making you miss your ex less, a well-established support system will also improve your ability to perform under pressure. It can also alleviate emotional distress, increase self-esteem, fend off loneliness, and lead to a more stable lifestyle.
For more on how to heal emotionally and move forward, check out our guide on dealing with emotional baggage.
Rediscovering Yourself: Your Time to Shine.
Remember that identity fusion we talked about earlier? Well, a breakup reckovery is the perfect time to ‘reclaim’ yourself. It is an important phase before starting a new relationship.
“This shift in focus will help you use yourself rather than being consumed with obsessive thoughts of what might have been,” says Heather Wilson, a certified trauma professional and the executive director at Epiphany Wellness4.
- Reconnect with old hobbies.
- Explore new interests.
- Travel solo.
- Focus on your career goals.
Whatever brings you joy, do it. Now’s the chance to explore who *you* are outside the context of your former relationship. You have time to spend on yourself.
Leverage the Power of Distraction
Another good idea to stop ‘I miss my ex’ state is leveraging Nick Wignall’s popular 3M Formula5.
Moment: Every time you have a thought about your ex – notice it, acknowledge it, and then shift your focus to something else, ideally an enjoyable activity.
Mindfulness: Pay attention to what’s happening in the present moment, without judgment. Engage your five senses—what do you see, smell, hear, taste, touch? Use breathing exercises if that helps you stay present.
Meaning: Look for something you can learn from this experience. Maybe it’s identifying red flags for future relationships or realizing your own worth.
Generally after breakup what to do? Focus on self-care, set boundaries, and consider therapy to heal and rebuild your emotional well-being.
Understand Your “Why” – And Get Real with Yourself
Why do you think “I miss my ex”? What voids do they fill? Honestly answer those questions. It might sting a little at first. However, getting real helps pinpoint those needs you’re seeking.
Are you simply craving physical intimacy? Or companionship? Acknowledging your needs lets you look for them elsewhere — hobbies, friends, therapy, even dating apps.
It is normal for you to have an internal battle going on as your brain is literally wired to try to reconnect. Scientists have done studies where they hooked the brain up to an MRI machine and asked questions of people who had just gone through a painful breakup.
They found that the part of the brain that lights up is the same exact part that lights up in cocaine addicts going through withdrawal.
Accept What You Cannot Change
Easier said than done, right? It’s tempting to overanalyze where things went wrong, to message them ‘just as friends,’ to try to win them back. Stop. Otherwise “I miss my ex” condition gets far more worse.
Fixating on these ‘what-ifs’ won’t change the outcome. Accept the relationship has run its course. The sooner you accept this reality, the quicker you reclaim your power.
Acknowledge When It’s More Than “I miss my ex”
‘I miss my ex’ state, especially early on, is part of the heartbreak package deal. However, heartbreak shouldn’t derail your life.
If your “i miss my ex” involves…
- Inability to function in your daily life (work, school, etc.)
- Thoughts of self-harm
- Prolonged, debilitating sadness (especially longer than several months)
It could be broken heart syndrome, which is a severe form of physical pain. If you are experiencing these things, then it’s time to reach out to a mental health professional.
Therapy provides a safe, confidential space to unpack your feelings. It may also be a good idea to join support groups so you know that you are not alone.
When It’s More Than Just Missing Them – Do They Miss You Too?
Let me start by saying: There’s no magic formula or mind-reading trick to tell you for certain if your ex misses you. Even if they did, does that change anything?
Your journey of healing, of moving forward, is about you, not about them.
You deserve to be with someone who chooses you, not someone you had to convince to stay. It’s okay if they are having good times with other people. You will be okay.
Do yourself a favor and focus on what you can control — taking care of yourself, rebuilding your life, rediscovering who you are without them.
It’s in these moments of self-discovery that true healing begins. It’s okay to miss someone you shared your life with, even if the relationship ended for all the right reasons. Just because you’re looking back, doesn’t mean you’re going backward. After some time, “I miss my ex” state will dissapear
Frequently Asked Questions
What to do if you’re missing your ex?
‘I miss my ex’ state after a breakup is natural. Allow yourself to grieve, practice self-care, and focus on rebuilding your life and reconnecting with yourself. It is important to prioritize your emotional well-being during this time.
If you find that you are struggling, consider implementing the contact rule. This is where you cut contact with your ex for a certain amount of time.
What if I miss my ex so much?
If the feeling is overwhelming and impacting your daily life, it’s important to seek support. Talking to friends, family, or a therapist can be immensely helpful.
Therapy provides a safe and confidential space to process your emotions and learn coping strategies. Try not to think about the good memories too much and remind yourself of why the breakup happened.
What to do when your ex misses you?
This is tricky territory. If they’ve reached out, be cautious. It doesn’t automatically mean you should reconcile. Consider the reasons for the breakup.
Have those issues been resolved? Have they started dating other people? It is crucial to prioritize your own well-being and think about what is truly best for you in the long run.
But if reconciliation is on the table, couples therapy can help navigate unresolved issues and create a healthier dynamic moving forward.
How to let go of an ex you still love?
Letting go is a process, not an event. Allow yourself to grieve, seek support from loved ones, limit contact with your ex, and focus on your own healing and growth.
As cliche as it sounds, time really does help. It allows you to gain perspective, to heal, and eventually, to move forward. This is the time to focus on your personal growth and start feeling whole again.
Conclusion
Breakups are rarely neat and tidy, and it’s normal to have days where “I miss my ex” condition feels overwhelming. Rather than pushing those feelings away, acknowledge them, but don’t let them control your progress. Every emotion you experience is a part of healing and growth, but it’s important not to get stuck in them.
Use this time to reflect on what you’ve learned about yourself and relationships. Focus on building a new, fulfilling life step by step.
Over time, the pain will ease, and you’ll find that the difficult days become fewer, replaced by a growing sense of peace and self-discovery. Healing may be slow, but with patience and self-compassion, you’ll come out stronger and more resilient.
Your future is full of possibilities, and while it’s hard to imagine now, you’ll eventually look back on this as a period of personal transformation. Trust the process and give yourself permission to move forward at your own pace.
Small Step, Big Impact
Remember, healing is a personal journey. Start by setting small, achievable goals, such as dedicating time each day for self-care or exploring a new hobby. These steps can lead to significant positive changes and no “I miss my ex” condition over time.
